Mercurys Genes

i just wanted to say

2006-10-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

that I'm doing pretty well :)

the end part 6

2006-08-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Something just feels so unsettled. I guess it's just the ghosts that haunt these vacant halls. Vacant halls that were once so vibrant and alive.

But I guess everything is just like everything. Time passes and you find yourself meandering through other halls.. some more filled than others. And then they go vacant again. Some become decripit and uninhabitable after time, others just remain empty.. and the ghosts never stop calling to you, "remember..."

I will admit that things are looking up these days. I am going to court in a couple of weeks, I am not getting kicked off my dad's insurance so I can still drive (after my license is suspended), I seem to have some sort of ambition for this school thing, and I'll be in a brand new home pretty soon with a pretty cool room mate who I'm sure will inspire me to be more creative with my time.

You just always have these ideas. Of what the future is going to be like. And even if you grow up and over these ideas, it still leaves you mildly crestfallen when they are no where to be seen in the future that is now the present.

I am growing up, and I can tell I've changed a lot. Things that moved me quite a bit in the past don't move me as much.. and vice versa. It's kind of like a snowball effect. You just roll around life and collect layer after layer. Sometimes you get layer after layer that is mostly made of the same stuff.. but eventually you start picking up new things, and after a while those old layers are so far away that you can't even feel them anymore. Remember them, maybe. Feel, though..

Maybe it is the lack of feeling that is unsettling. But I'm pretty sure there are just some feelings and attatchments in life that never die. Some parts of you that are always searching for what has been lost and may never be regained.

Leaving the future open seems like such a nice thought.. but at some point you really have to look at it in a more focused light. Think to yourself, okay, I know that MAYBE this will happen, but right now this is DEFINITELY happening.

I know I feel less whole.. all around.. but it's like the parts of me that are still left are buckling down to make up for the strength that was lost from these empty parts of my soul. And I feel strong and capable. And able to live through loneliness like I've never been able to before.

I don't know. I always try and verbalize these things but half the time I actually feel the opposite than I think/say. There are so many fine lines. But like Matt says, fine lines become quite broad when you look at them up close.

Is my heart a little broken, yes. Of course.
but there is fire in my lungs and I can't help but feel the need to press on.

Sometimes phases in life end in such extraordinary and overt ways that you almost feel like you are on the brink of death. That if everything is closing off at the same time and changing in similar ways, that this must be some final chapter before a bus hits you or your plane crashes.

I realize that life doesn't work like that and I could easily die suddenly in my sleep in the midst of numerous projects and obligations. Life doesn't wait. It doesn't really make decisions. But we cope, and we try to understand, and sometimes the only way we can is by creating metaphors.

I don't know. I guess I've babbled long enough.

2006-07-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

abandoned zoos

today on belle isle there was a speed boat race. which was kind of neat to watch for 3 minutes. but after that it sucked because they wouldn't let us go swimming and it was 90+ degrees out.

we did see a cool blimp though. but after that we decided to go do some exploring.

brian took this picture

Matt was leading us to this part on the island where they are trying to grow all michigan native plants. It's really quiet and beautiful on this side of the island

the old light house that still shines

me making matt pose again

end of life and beginning

posing kind of

dork!

brian with mustard seed. matt told us how to make dijon musturd from it.

the lil tour guide himself

beautiful, huh? I quite enjoyed it..

pics

2006-07-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

yup.. the only people on belle isle who had a tent.

feets

matts

amandas

feets

feetsprints

"Joe, this is matt, I'm calling to tell you that you need to come to belle isle because there are two lovely women and they seem to be multiplying. Bushles of women, joe. Bushles."

cans of tobacco

clouds

sprawlers

nappers

men with their parrots? on belle isle? for some reason?

Matt (or Bacchus/Dionysus[wine gods]) with a gallon of wine in his hands and four nymphes at his disposal

Matt's Abercrombie & Fitch ad.

Wrasslers

Losers

winners

rematchers

clavicles

Walking to the Buzz bar

The secret love of my life. Z's Villa Style

we got two free pitchers!

the 7.11.06 crew

extreme close up #1

extreme close up #2

extreme close up #3 ("are you taking a picture????" I dunno, am I?)

extreme close up #4 (aka, Bryan, the Cherub)

vballin

soaked from playing in the pouring rain for an hour before finally giving up and going home

mhmm

mhmm

mhmm

i see a red door and i want it painted black

2006-07-10T09:19:00.001-07:00

so much heartbreak these days. i'm becoming a living callus. i can feel it. losing sensativity left and right.

i miss my car. i miss brad. i miss my friend in ann arbor. i miss having a clean record. i miss not being so up in the air about EVERYTHING. god when will i find roots again?

i don't know what address my court date is getting sent to. i called them to ask and they wouldn't tell me. my car has been in the shop for almost two months now. i fucked up their loaner car. i'll probably can't drive for a few years, but i don't know yet since insurance companies take a long time to decide to get rid of someone. i have to move out of here in a month and i have no idea where i am going to go. i have to move out of here in 6 months so technically this place isn't my home anymore, now it is just a waiting ground. like a lay over airport.

who knows if the bus will come on time today. if i'll be late or super early for work. who knows how I will feel about some of the most important issues in my life right now. bad one day, good the next, pessimistic one, overly optimistic again.

i feel like i am 16 again. it is awful. like all i have going for me are these small things like work and "hanging out" once and a while.. and a few big dreams that are floating around somewhere. but i have very little mobility and a lot of times i just sit in my apartment feeling bored and anxious to DO SOMETHING. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that i might not be able to drive anymore. Driving is my escape. I love driving more than a lot of things. A simple pleasure in life that becomes so complicated when you fuck it up.

what kind of world do I live in anyway? a ridiculous one. and I am too ridiculous for it.

oh......

and i wish my dad would call me back sometimes.. or answer when i call him.. and when he sends me things in the mail i wish he'd write a little note on it. Like, "Hey lyss, I love you!" or something.

maybe it is stupid that I want that. but jeez it wouldn't fucking hurt me any at this point in my life. To hear that. from him.

and i guess i have kind of turned into a jerk. maybe that is what happens when you lose naiveté on certain things.

vice

2006-06-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

i'm trying my mightiest to keep my head up. I really really am. I'm trying so hard that it hurts a little.

my whole life has changed. this isn't a phase that ends up with everything being pretty much back to normal at the end of the road. No, everything is different. I feel like I'm in a whole new universe most of the time.

It's so God damn hard. Everything is so hard right now. I feel sumburged in some metaphysical quick sand.

I need help from people right now but i'm too ashamed to ask. I feel like such an inconvenience. I've always been such an independent person. It kind of makes me feel sick to know that i need people to do me favors all the time now. I keep racking my brain about how I can do certain things without anyone helping me.. and I can't figure anything out.

I'm trying to remember that I am OKAY. I am FINE. Things around me are a mess, yes. but I am O.K.

it's not easy to keep in the front of one's mind all of the time. but I am okay.

sigh. please believe me that i am trying so hard.

okay so..

2006-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

I have my freak out moments. When I take a step back and look at the whole picture, it looks like a mess kind of.

but really, when I just look around at what is here.. right now.. i see so many beautiful things that I am proud to have in my life.. and somehow it seems that these things compiled out weigh all the mess that so rudely intrudes into the big picture.

if i've learned anything in life, it's that messy times are followed by amazing rewards and rewarding times. Somehow it feels that everything is worth it. Everything is worth it.

i need to dump some thoughts out.

2006-06-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

This year has been.. gosh I don't even know how to begin with what I am trying to say.

Basically this year has been needing of my mental strength right from the beginning. When I found out Brad was leaving, I lost my mind for a couple of days. Then pulled myself back together and thought, "alright, this is what is going to happen, and here is what you have to do to prepare yourself for it."

Determined to be a sane person by the time Brad left, I took what I thought to be necessary steps to make some changes in my psyche. To pump up some of the muscles of my ability to sustain and move on. I was also determined to not let this affect the world around me, like school and relationships with other people.

A curve ball was thrown when I met Danny. I didn't really account for the idea of meeting someone that I might like in this phase of trying to distance the parts of myself that would be traumatized when Brad left from Brad. Those parts of me that are tender and vulnerable to him. That used to live for him and would do anything for him. And the parts of me that get so extremely happy to just be physically close in any kind of way.. to hold hands.. to kiss.. to hug.

I had to make changes to my plans. I didn't want to disrespect Brad. We've always had an honest relationship so of course I didn't want to mess that up now. Danny was really interesting. He had a lot of input on what I was going through, and it seemed like he could see things about me that I didn't want people to see. Right through me is the expression I think. And I guess for some reason that was refreshing at the time.. feeling like someone could really see me for who I was.. the good and the bad.

This is going on right during the last few weeks of school, mind you. Of one of the busiest semesters I've ever had. I think I did go crazy at one point, which resulted in me cutting off all my hair and not sleeping for about 4 days.

I had to deal with this thing where it was like I knew I was hurting Brad and I lost sleep over that many many nights. The guilt that surfaces when I do something like this to someone. You start to wonder if your needs should be set aside for theirs. But I guess at one point I just felt like they were my NEEDS for Christ's sake. And I think at one point that is where I started to feel mildly aggressive towards Brad. I don't blame him for the things he did or the things he said during all of that.. but I think at a certain point I felt like I had to defend myself from him. Because my needs were on the line.

And that kind of fucked with my head I think. I've been mad at Brad before.. there have been times where I wasn't sure if he was keeping something from me or not.. but I've never really felt unsafe with him before. Like I couldn't be who I wanted to be without hurting him by being so. PEople really change in situations like these. There are so many feelings to act on.. I think both of us acted on desperation a few times in the last month or so that he was here. I think we could just sense the proximity of the moment we had all been waiting for all this time. and the possible permanent damage to our beautiful relationship.

But despite all of this, we decided, one last hoorah, and went on the road trip like we had planned since March. It seemed as though all the issues melted away. Like we could be us again. Like there was no need to ask for forgiveness because just having this be the way it is was retribution enough. And it was really nice. to put it simply. It was really great to be with him as he "went".

Getting on the airplane to come home I thought: "okay, it's all said and done now.. time to just settle down. it's over. everything you've been planning for since January is over. you made it, you are sane, and it is over."
but I come back only to find my relationship with Danny pretty much in ruins. I didn't really know what to do. I was hoping that things would be easier and less stressful now that I didn't have so much on my mind.. but it didn't work out that way and I felt a little depressed about it for a couple of weeks. Like one of my rewards for being so "strong" through all of this got taken from me. Or I lost it, how ever you want to think about it.

I kind of got over it, though. Spent a lot of time with everyone else, drinking and carrying on. Trying to be active, and just be free to enjoy the rest of my summer. And Tuesday came about. I had to return my rental car to enterprise. I felt a pang of depression because Brad wouldn't be there to help me this time. I had to have an enterprise person drive me to the Auto Body shop. And it's not that I need Brad's help, but we were team mates. We did stuff like this with eachother all the time. And it doesn't seem like fun or special to most people I am sure, but it was something special. That I had a person who was willing to help me out with almost anything. and that I would try and do the same for him. It was just a hard day. Like when you are grieving the loss of someone, and you are doing pretty well with getting over it, and then you hear their favorite song on the radio and you get sentimental enough to get sad again about losing them.

So I was feeling kind of down. Went to play some volleyball because it is always a fun time. And it was of course, it was Dan's bday party too. I wasn't playing well, though.. I guess I never do, but this time I was playing a lot worse. A few people made comments about it. At one point I just kind of felt like sitting out and just drinking. Hillary came to my suprise and I haven't seen her in ages so we decided to go to her house to catch up. I needed some smokes and she wanted to get us some wine to share while we talked, so we went to the store and then sat outside for a while chatting.

Eventually it was kind of late.. I could tell I was pretty drunk and I felt like I didn't want to get more drunk so I just wanted to go home. Bad logic, I know, but that's what it was at the time. That's when I got into my accident. And thus is when I got arrested for the first time in my life in front of Gregg on the street that I've driven on hundreds of times. I kept hearing Ghassan's voice in my head "I am in a world of shit!"

Everyone keeps telling me not to be embarrassed or ashamed. But I am and I don't see how any person wouldn't be. I could have killed someone. What if someone was trying to get into/out of that car? My dad used to drive drunk with us all the time when we were kids and I always hated him for it. And then to just do it all the time like I do makes me feel ashamed. And speaking of my dad, I can't stand the idea that I am making his life more difficult than it needs to be. I feel like a burden and kind of like an embarrassment.

but gosh. anyway I guess. enough revealing of my self punishment.
yesterday was almost the most detrimental day to my psyche yet.
I woke up at 8:39AM when I was supposed to be at court at 8:30. WHO DOES THAT?!? I set my alarm, I know I did because last night I reset it to something else and it was still set at 7:00AM.
But anyway the idea here is that immediately upon waking up yesterday I was in panic mode. Thinking that I am going to get arrested and I just fucked my life up. Didn't know at the time that you could be late for your court date, I was literaly in hysterics. I'm not a person who gets hysterical easily. Danny always told me that I am like Patrick (my hedgehog) when I feel stressed out about something or threatened.. that I just close up and try to push everything out. I'm not a hysterical person, I close myself off to that kind of thing.

But so anyway. Matt and I walk all the way down woodward while Gregg is walking back to his place to get Matt's car. It's kind of cold out and my shoes fall of my feet every time I take a step. Gregg picks us up and I go to court only to find out that they don't have enough paper work on my case yet so I have to go home.

I am slightly worried that yesterday did something to me. I was extremely panicked from about 8:39AM to 10:00AM. So much so, that I felt like I was about to pass out at one point.

I thought that going to Belle Isle afterwards would make me feel better. And would help me just calm down and relax for a minute. but i was restless. I went swimming in the cold water for a while.. threw some rocks for a while.. dug in the sand.. strummed the guitar.. sent text messages. I slept for about 30 minutes but couldn't sleep much more than that.

Last night was bad, too. I drank too much again. And all I could think about was "if I were in a car right now I'd probably crash it.." "this is how drunk I was when I crashed my car.."

got the spins.. haven't gotten those in a while. but it was really scary this time. I've been too drunk plenty of times. Most of the time I just feel annoyed. But this time I had this subtle fear in my chest.. like an over whelming anxiety. It sucked so bad. I hated last night. I hate right now. I hate the way I feel. I feel like everything has gone to shit. I feel embarrassed all the time, I feel like I don't fit here, and I feel like everything is gone.

I feel like a bad person, I feel impossible to be with romantically, I feel reckless and stupid, I feel like a burden, I feel retarded for this whole fucking entry right now.

But I am filled to the brim with everything right now. I was only anticipating that Brad was moving and that it'd be hard, but once it was over I would be able to get back to life and enjoy my summer.

my head hurts.

I found a Joe doppelganger

2006-06-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

sorry about this self pitying post

2006-06-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that I am doing all of this to myself. That I am unconsciously trying to destroy everything that I cherish.

Everything that makes me feel settled here is being changed. I'll probably have to quit my job since I can't drive anymore. I feel like I did a lot of grating on people's nerves this past week. The "relationship" I started kind of fell apart. Plus he lives in Ann Arbor and is also carless so... that's that i guess.

I feel like I lost almost all of my rewards for moving here. I know that is really near sighted of me to say, and I know in general I have grown a lot as a person since I started coming here. But I just feel like everything is falling apart before my eyes. Everything that I made for myself.

When brad was moving, the only consolation I had for myself was that I had all these other things going for me here. Now I feel like I really do have nothing. Did I do this myself? How could so many things go so horribly at the same time?

Tif says when it rains it pours. I guess that's a good way to put it.

but I have a hard time feeling like I could have avoided this bad streak. I could have been open a little more.. or a better person.. or more positive.. I feel like I could have done SOMETHING.. or that if I did do something, it was a terrible thing to do. I keep racking my brain thinking about all the ways I can be a better person. A better form of life.

but I suppose I can't help what happens in life all the time. good people have bad stuff happen to them too. everyone makes lousey decisions. it's the luck they have that determines how severely they are punished for them.

and almost everything that has happened is either obviously my fault, or catylized by something I did or sad. Danny says "you always have a choice." I guess I've been making the worst kinds lately.

and I feel so embarrassed, and stupid, and alone. My dad is coming here this weekend. I suspect he'll try to drag me back to his house for a while. He thinks I am going crazy. Maybe I am.

which is disheartening to think because I thought I was doing so well. I thought I took losing brad way better than I intended. I thought I've been doing my best to remain social and positive about things.. to be optimistic and still try and retain some joy. But maybe I'm not strong enough, despite what I think. Maybe I did snap but it was muffled by all the other noises going on in my life.

I don't know. I am considering fleeing this place after my court date. Not that I have any money, but maybe I could get a bus ticket out to boise. I don't really have a place there.. but it is somewhere else for now. Everything is going to shit here. What is next? What else is going to stand in my way from just being happy here.. and happy here without him.

*tears*

2006-06-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

I gaze down I-80 sometimes, hoping that I'll see a familiar silhouette on the horizon.

2006-06-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

the loneliness creeps in at the most unexpected moments.

It's like coming down from an upper.. reality starts to take control again, and it weighs heavily on your heart. They say heartbreak is treated as an actual physical affliction in the brain. Rampant emotions clot up in the chest and when there is nothing to do, no distraction to bury ones self in, the habit of picking at the scab is all too easy to indulge in.

Detroit has been beautiful since I got back. It rained once, but I embraced it and it has been the most refreshing thing I've experienced since I have returned from the journey of farewell. Other than that one night, it's been sunny, and my otherwise dim apartment that faces the drab brick wall of the coffee shop next door is suddenly flooded with light. There once was a time during this past winter when the sun hadn't shown its face for 15 days. And when it made its ten minute appearance before slipping back behind the clouds, it made the local news.

The semblance between the most apparent things in nature and the hardest things to spell out in ones heart is hard to miss at times. I can feel the sunlight seeping into my soul, but for some reason I am fonder of when it makes its celebrity-esque appearances on wintery days.

I love all the people that call me their friend here. And if I ever doubted their connection with me before, this week has only shown me that I really do have a family here.

but as I said, the loneliness always creeps in at the most unexpected moments. Even as the sunlight is showing the true colors of everything in this room, even though the clouds have no vendetta against the parts of myself that are just dying to poke out and shine hope during this wintery time, even though I am immersed in a net of beautiful minds and unshakeable bonds, I can't help but feel the absense. The lacking of what was most beautiful to me here.

And to walk past his vacant room.. to see that no trace of him remains there even though the habit of seeking him out there when he is no where to be found is still fresh in my mind. I remember fondly a day that I told myself I'd never forget in that room. There are many, but for some reason this sticks out in my mind. Laying on his chest as I always took the opportunity to do so if I found him to be laying on his back. The days were starting to get colder, but the sun had not yet shyed away from us. And Sunday Siance resonated between our chests as I looked over his face as I've done countless times.

Sunday Siance no longer plays in his room. He can not be detected, and he surely does feel far away. And all I can think about these days is all the things I did that could have destroyed everything. How coping became such a hurtful thing to do. I only hope that he understands, at least.. if no one else ever does. Everything about this city.. everything that I know it to be.. is rooted in everything I know about his existense here. He lingers though he is not present.. just like i can still smell his scent in his hat, but the hat is far far away from him now, and he may never wear it again.

At some point this situation requires a break. An expedition to territories uncharted here by either of us. People that are not mutual friends, and yes, a love experience that is seperate from our own.

If I am to truly let this go.. to let him free into the world that he deserves and the world he's been preparing for all this time.. there are certain ghosts that I have to say goodbye to here.

I can't say I know anything about what is best to do.. or when the right time is. All I can say is I have tried my very best to keep an open mind and an open heart about all of this. To CHOOSE happiness over self pity. To start demanding things for myself that I truly deserve. I'm actually getting older now. Something in my life has to be reflective of a period when I was a solitary human being. Something has to reflect that I lived through this time of my life, and I experienced as much of it as I could without going 100% insane.

May it be an old news paper, framed, hanging on the wall of my living room, that announces "The sun was shining for 13 minutes this afternoon.." or may it be the scar that is caused by my incescant picking at this scab.. Something will show for this time of my life, his life, our lives. I am determined to let it. I am determined to be apart of this moment. To live it with everything I have.

I can't necessarily stop the loneliness that creeps in at the most unexpected moments. But I can greet it at the door, offer it a cigarette, and reason with it during its visit. I can accept that it is here and let it rest at that.

2006-05-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Summer Challenge '06

Summer Challenge
NAME	GOAL	PROGRESS
Brad	140pgs. complete on novel	35pgs
Joe	12hrs/week guitar	---
Chris	Int'l Travel II	---
Alan	Like 5 rap albums	ATCQ: Low-end Theory
Alyssa	16 works of art	---
Tiffany	Glorious adventure w/Chris	---
Joe O.	Mackinac Race II	---
Ryan	Be 180 lbs.	---
Matt	50 pgs of Existential journal	---
Alisha	Drink a 40oz Do a kegstand Write some stories	---

Good Luck!

I'm already falling behind.

2006-05-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

i hate mothers day.

bon voyage, chris and alan

so we're speeding towards that time of year to the day that marks that you're not here

2006-04-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

what am I going to do?

I really don't know. i wasn't expecting this. and i never could prepare. no amount of time could pad the reality of the situation.

words can't express how much i'm going to miss you when you go. relationship or not, your presense has always been important to me. I've followed you my whole young adult life. why are you always so far away from me? i just arrived, breathed a sigh of relief that i finally made it, and you're already leaving.

i'm happy for you, and i think you need this. i believe strongly in upheavel and replanting. you'll learn things about yourself that you never knew you had in you. Your persona and your traits that you needed to survive here may or may not be useless in Boise. All the things you think are fun now, it's going to change. The kind of people you think you hate in life may be the kind you love out there. You may even find a batch of personality that you never knew to exist. You'll learn. And you'll look at the world through wiser eyes. I'm proud of you for making this step in life. It is important. No, it is dire. And I know you have what it takes to make it out there. You're made of what it takes.

but still, I don't know what my life is going to be without you within driving distance. I can't picture it. even after all these months of forewarning.

we're not so young anymore. and it puts a whole new spin on things.

I'm sorry if you can't handle this entry, but I'm not sorry that I'm saying these things.

2006-04-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

and another thing. I have many horrible things to say about religion and I am kind of offended by the idea that I am too scared to say them. What is WITH that? You are so insecure about your own faith that a NON BELIEVER can really upset you THAT BAD? I just don't get it. Let's say that I somehow find the meaning of life, the promise of forgiveness, the promise of a meaningful life. I don't think I'd give a SHIT about what other people thought about it. Yet I walk outside every day and I can FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL the sensorship. the "HUSH DON'T EVEN THINK WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ONE SECOND MORE YOU SINNER YOU BEAST YOU DEVIL." It makes me want to PUKE the hypocracy of the whole god damn thing.

That's right, I don't capitalize god when I use it most of the time. because to me god isn't a person, it is a concept that I have to live with because my whole god damn life is built not-so-neatly around other people's understanding of "him". How arrogant. How arrogant to even call god a HIM. like you even know. Like just because you have a penis that you can ram in it in whatever you want, that gives you some kind of sick power over the rest of humanity, means that god must be just like you. Sticking his penis where ever he wants to. How fucking closed minded. How disgusting. Really. It is disgusting.

To have a god that will ALWAYS be seperate from women. a god that a women could never fully relate to. "HE is OUR god beause he has a PENIS and you DON'T. but you still have to believe in him because I need to use your body to cultivate children in. I need to destroy the meaning of your body by treating it like an easy bake oven. Remember, God is OURS."

I really can't stand that. At all. It is just so fucking ridiculous. It really makes me seethe with anger. That I am stuck in this hypocritical society that doesn't even UNDERSTAND what it MEANS to be spiritual, yet they are so condescending to me as if they know better than me. HAH. Like they know better than me what it is to be a human being. Like they can push their fucking sexest religion onto me and expect me to be okay with it. Might as well pull down their pants, grip their hands around my face, and choke me with their penises. I would almost find that less offensive.

I'm sorry, but if the only way I can be spiritual is to be raped, then I don't want to be apart of it. Call me crazy. But it's just not for me. And I feel actual embarrassment and shame of women for being apart of this. Repulsed that they don't realize what it means that God is a Him, or worse, that they don't care.

I don't care about your damn god. I don't care that you feel a sense of purpose because you can pretend that god is just like you. I don't care that you feel a sense of power because your genitalia rests outside of your body. I don't care that you women like being apart of a religion that really doesn't give a shit about you as an individual. I don't care. Leave me the fuck alone already.

It's ridiculous. It is all totally and completely ridiculous, and some days I really don't know how much more of it I can stomach.

one last over the top statement about religion: it is a numbing agent, just go stick a needle in your arm already.

maybe this is all uncalled for. And maybe it makes me no better than evangelist christians. but god damn it. I just can't take it anymore. I am fucking sick of watching this idea of god destroy the world around me. I can't remove myself from it. I'm stuck in a prison. I will never be valued as a whole person in this society. And that breaks my heart, it offends me deeply, and I admit that it causes some irreversible damage to my being. So yes, I am saying over the top things that would probably get me shot and mamed if said in front of certain people, but this is my only means for exerting control over my own beliefs. Most of the time I'm getting the cock of religion shoved down my throat. And it is really bitter. And I feel my inner person gagging every day.

I guess this makes me a satanist.

and I guarantee that most of these people that I am talking about who would read this would get a fucking hard on from the idea of religion raping me.

AND another thing. I'm not really all that touched about Jesus' sacrifice, really. Was it really a sacrifice???? He got to GO TO HEAVEN. If I knew heaven to be an ultimate destination, I think I would cut off each of my limbs inch by inch and then drag myself by biting onto things with my teeth -- letting them break and be ripped out of my body -- until i found a vat of lye to throw myself in, if that's what it took, I mean. If that is how you gain access to the ultimate destination, through physical pain(which is another problem I have with this situation... it seems so arbitrary), then I'd be prepared for anything. I'm not really all that moved by the idea that someone put the body that was just going to decay in the ground anyway through pain so that "I could go to heaven." I think I might be more touched by it if Jesus didn't get to go.

i can't say i don't agree

2006-04-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

eh. i know you all think i am crazy.

i know you may feel like i am making a mistake.

maybe i am feeling like that too.

maybe i am just a human who doesn't know what to do 90% of the time.

it's okay, it really is.

2006-02-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

sometimes I am afraid that everyone just thinks of me as Brad's girlfriend.
and if we'd ever break up, everyone would think of me as Brad's exgirlfriend.

and i guess this entry is to say:

I am a lot more than that. and i think i have tried to present myself as more than that. and that is all i can do.

parents

2005-12-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

the longly dreaded visit with my mother proved to not be as horrible as I thought it would be.

I think what has caused the break down in my mom's and my relationship extends from my fear of being like her and being able to treat people like she does.

But I think what I am starting to accept is I am a lot like her and I think this is why I have so much animosity towards her these days. Just like her, I can leave a city without batting an eye or sheading a single tear about those who I leave behind. Just like her it doesn't bother me that much to not speak to my closet friends for months at a time. Just like her it feels all too normal to be the cold and quiet stone in a room full of laughter and merriment. Just like her I am sharp, snappy, and easy to aggitate.

And when I try to think about what qualities I have from my dad that may redeem this over all Debbie-ness that I seem to take on, I can't really find too many. I know I got my appreciation of love and sex from my dad (my mom is pretty much a non-sexual being.. having sex only to produce offspring), and I am pretty sure that I borrowed some of my dad's hedonistic characteristics.... which is good because I think it is important to have fun and let go once and a while.

But mostly I see my dad as a self-pitying person who over indulges in everything until it causes health problems or causes him to become a defensless weeping heap of human flesh. I think one of the reasons that I used to kind of get along with my mom was I always thought that her vices were a lot less pathetic than my dad's. At least my mom's show strength (even though it is too concentrated on areas where it isn't really needed) when my dad's have always shown such embarrassing weakness.

But in the past few years I have grown to admire my dad very much. Adolescense is always a time of hating your parents and challenging their morals and habits.. but I survived that period of my life by becoming best friends with my dad and horribly indifferent to my mom. My dad's capacity to feel and accept emotion is greater than anyone I've ever known. He is the smartest person I've ever met, he has a drive like you wouldn't believe, and after all that he is strong enough to let himself love and appreciate the more subtle parts of life. Yeah, there are moments where he makes me nauseous with pity and worry... but I've eventually come to realize that pity is a lot more meaningful than indifference.

changes

2005-12-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

it seems like I haven't had much to say as of late. My livejournal (which is my primary "blog") is filled with mindless and obligatory updates, and my personal written journal hasn't been updated in a couple of weeks.

I'm not sure what this really means. but it seems that every year that passes I become quieter and quieter.

I am kind of embarrassed by my lack of opinion at times. It's not that I don't think -- on the contrary I would say that I think too much about things -- it is just that for whatever reason my brain does not latch onto thoughts that form into opinons. Sometimes I think about what is really driving me in life, and I tend to feel like it isn't anything that specific. Not specific enough for me to form die hard opinions on most matters.

My goal in life is to rise above the realm of society. Still operate in it, of course, but find ways to pursue goals that I feel exist in a reality outside of the hustle and bustle world we know today.

For a long time I thought that I was an intellectual person who doesn't have much of a foundation in emotion. But lately I find that I have a lot of roots in my emotions than I had previously determined. It is kind of embarrassing at times... because I have surrounded myself by friends who operate on much more defined, factual, and citable sources. I am pretty sure that emotion isn't really an effective tool for them in their "life missions". Aside from their passions about what they do, obviously.

I may just be an 18 year old person, though. In a state of flux where I know my life will someday be dramatically different and trying to accept what it presents itself as right now. Most of the time, though, I feel a little bit... lonely. It is so obvious at times that I think so differently than most people I interact with. And I find myself not really knowing what to say in a lot of situations. It seems as though every day that passes I become worse at making conversation.

Sometimes I wonder if my mind is deteriorating. If it is all downhill from here and I am just sensing my now fully developed brain on its way to its inevitable demise.

Maybe I am just unreasonably insecure, but I really don't want to be seen as stupid or unknowledgable. Naive or two deminsional. I am sure my friends don't think that of me. But I am also sure it is hard not to sometimes when not much contribution to conversations these days come to me. Like I said, it's not that I am not thinking or listening or considering... these days I tend to just want to listen... and if I happen to form any opinions, the urge to conceal is usually stronger than the urge to share.

I'm not sure where all this is coming from... but I am also aware that this is probably just a way of life for a while, and in a few months, weeks, days, hours, I may be the most outspoken person in the room.

Right now though... I feel like I have nothing to share. And it feels good in a way, but mostly bad.